The "Who" (No, Not That Who)

Back when I was a boy, I read a book 'bout a feller who wanted to be a newspaper reporter. Someone told him that ever' story needed to answer the five "W's": Who, What, Where, When, 'n' Why. (Then they th'ew in an "H" - How - fer good measures.) Now, I ain't no reporter, but it seems to me that answering the five "W's", 'n' maybe the "H", too, is a good idea here at the beginning o' the beginning o' this thing.

So, the first "W": Who? Who am I? My name is A Random Child. I was born 'n' raised in the small town o' Dawson, in Dawson county, Tennessee. Now, don't be fooled by the fact that the name o' the town 'n' the name o' the county're both Dawson. Dawson is not the county seat o' Dawson. (That'd be Byford, up to the north o' Dawson.) There's a couple o' odd things 'bout Dawson (the county) that make it unique. Firstly, it's the smallest county in Tennessee. In fact, it is so small that it don't even show up on most maps. This has led a lot o' folks to doubt the existence o' Dawson (both the county 'n' the town), but I'm living proof that it is there.

Secondly, Dawson (the county) is the only county in Tennessee that lies entirely to the west o' the Mississippi river. Now, there are a lot o' folks who claim that this makes it a part o' West Tennessee, but, in actuality, this makes it more part o' Central Tennessee. Er, to be more accurate, part o' Central Greater Tennessee. (Those o' you who ain't familiar with the true history of our country need to realize that, in spite o' what the history 'n' geography books might tell you, Tennessee don't stop at the Mississippi river. It continues westward all the way to the Rio Grande river. But that's a story fer another time.)

Anyways, getting back to the first "W": as I was saying, I was born 'n' raised in Dawson, Tennessee. I am an only Child, as my siblings can verify, born into a simple home o' simple folks. I was raised to believe in God, country, the value o' hard work, common sense, 'n' the simple truth that The South is the greatest country in the world. (Well, it would be if the Yankees hadn't cheated us out o' winning the War o' Secession. But that's a story fer another time.) Due to a curious 'n' convoluted series of events that led to my becoming a mail-order husband, I am currently living in a one horse town (minus the horse) with delusions o' grandeur in southern Arizona. But we'll get into the partic'lars 'bout where I'm currently living when we get to the "Where" portion o' this in another couple o' days.

One thing you should prob'ly know 'bout me up front is that I do not follow sports (fer the simple reason that I don't believe a bunch o' criminals, bullies, thugs, 'n' delinquents who cain't er won't go out 'n' get real jobs should get paid more in one year fer playing childrens' games than the farmers 'n' ranchers who provide my food 'n' clothing, the miners 'n' lumberjacks who provide the materials fer my house 'n' other things, 'n' the soldiers who risk their lives to defend my life, liberty, 'n' way o' life will prob'ly make in their entire lives). I do not follow pop'lar culture, so you will not be seeing a lot o' ref'rences to pop'lar movies er TV shows er music er celebrities (fer the simple reason that I don't believe a bunch o' criminals, bullies, thugs, 'n' delinquents who cain't er won't go out 'n' get real jobs should get paid more in one year fer playing dress up 'n' pretend than the farmers 'n' ranchers who provide my food 'n' clothing, the miners 'n' lumberjacks who provide the materials fer my house 'n' other things, 'n' the soldiers who risk their lives to defend my life, liberty, 'n' way o' life will prob'ly make in their entire lives).

Another thing you should know 'bout me up front is that I write the way I talk: colloquially. I make no apologies fer it 'n' I ain't gonna change it, so if you got a problem with that, then you best just leave right now 'n' find someone who's method o' writing is more to your taste. 'N' I don't use none o' that distressed English what's become so common these days, neither. (You know what I'm talking 'bout: all that "LOL", 'n' "ROTFL", 'n' "BRB", 'n' "Peeps" nonsense.) I got too much respect fer the English language to treat it that shabbily.